Just a little while ago I started watching “This is Us.” I am starting from the beginning because I am behind. I never thought I would identify so much with Kate but I do. I realized that every aspect of my life since I was 10 years old has been about my weight and how it’s going to affect my next move in life… whatever that move might be.
Will I be able to fit in the airplane seat? Is that person laughing in general or are they laughing at me? Will I be able to find a prom dress, and even if I do, what difference does it make because no one is asking me to go anyway. And no one did …
If I do ____ will people make fun of me? Insert whatever I might have been planning on doing. Most of the time I didn’t (and don’t) have to worry about it because I just stayed home so I didn’t have to worry or be ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of myself. Sometimes I think I am my own comedy or disaster, both are funny to the outside world. Both make me cry.
Does it even matter how old you get? Will you always feel like the world is looking at your differently or like you are a running fat joke? I don’t think it matters. If you are fat, you are different, and different people will always be made fun of, or they will be looked at as outsiders.
I think I am in such a dark place right now. I binged all weekend long. After having a great few days I let it all go to hell because one mistake made me lose control. I realized that I counted one lunch incorrectly and let it spin into two days of eating and hell.
I don’t think I will ever learn what is OK and what is not. What will make me binge and what will keep me on track? No matter what I always choose the wrong direction. You would think I had no will power at all. Maybe I don’t?
I am so thankful that tomorrow starts a new day and I get another chance. It might be chance one million but it’s still another chance. I am sad I am hurting and my period should be starting soon much is only complicating things I suppose.
I hope and pray this will be a better week coming up. I am down 11.8 pounds for the month of March which is huge considering I was since for a chunk of it. Time will tell if this time is the last time, but here I am anyway working my weight down.